Mother-in-Law Won’t Listen

I cannot stop my mother in law feeding my dogs, as we work together and the dogs come to work with me every day. She feeds them sandwiches under her desk. I have asked her to stop but she takes no notice.

One of my dogs has allergies and I like to keep my eye on what he eats. She still will not listen if I tell her to stop. She will say he is not allergic to food and the vet is talking crap. Sometimes, our dogs stay with her and when we get them back, they act like they don’t want to be with us. In fact, Charlie our male dog, growls at me if I pick him up or stroke him.

I have had arguments with her regarding these problems, but she thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about. She treats them like human babies. I think she likes it that the dogs don’t like me. Can you help me please? Any advice is welcome.

Wit’s End

United Kingdom

 

Dear Reader,

There are several things going on here. One is that your mother-in-law doesn’t respect you. She overrules you on matters that you alone have authority over. I would have a talk with her and ask her why she does it. She may brush you off at first and deny there’s a problem, but persist. Without anger, ask her why she ignores your decisions about your dogs’ diet, as well as the advice of your veterinarian. Depending on how badly her treats impact your dogs’ allergies, think about not bringing them to work with you. If not bringing them to work is not an option for you, provide some treats that your dogs can enjoy and ask your mother-in-law to feed them those treats. Or confine the dogs to an area where they cannot get to your mother-in-law’s desk for sandwiches. I knew one person who tied a long leash around his waist at the office, and clipped the other end to his dog’s collar. The dog had to go everywhere with him. After a few weeks, he took off the leash and the dog stayed by his side, never left his office, and didn’t wander around anymore. It might work. It might also make a point.

As far as the dogs acting like they’re not happy to see you, don’t take it personally. Dogs don’t live in the future or the past the way humans do. You should, however, seek the help of a
trainer to deal with the dominance displayed by Charlie when you try to pick him up or stroke him. It could be that he dominates your mother-in-law while you’re away and he needs a reminder when you return. But dogs can grasp the concept of different relationships with different people, so some training might help. If your mother-in-law enjoys the fact that your dogs are not overjoyed to see you, that’s spiteful. You should address that with her, also.

You may not get anywhere by talking to her, but you may make a point on another level. Imagine that you’re your mother-in-law. You engage in these little passive-aggressive behaviors to get a rise out of your daughter-in-law. You’re creating a problem for her. But what would happen if, every time you do, she comes to you and you have to have this big talk about it. The fact that she’s passive-aggressive tells me she wants to avoid confrontation. If she has an uncomfortable conversation with you every time she does something like that, now it’s her problem, not yours. I’ve done this and it really works. Don’t be angry or dramatic. Just be serious and thorough. Look her in the eye. Ask her to answer your questions instead of brushing them off. Don’t let her get out of it quickly or easily. Tell her you really want to understand her point of view. She’ll tire of that quickly and stop triggering it. Give it a try.

By the way, where is your husband in all this? If he won’t stand up to mommy now, he never will. Ask him to talk with her, too.

- L 

Dog Sitter Etiquette

Q: I’m using a dog/house sitter for the first time while my husband and I go away for a much-needed long weekend. We’re using a very sweet young couple that walks our girls 3x a week. We’re friendly with the couple, but have used them only a couple of months and we really don’t know them outside their ‘walking’ service. What is the etiquette for having someone stay at the house? We don’t have a spare bed, unfortunately, but we have a very nice Aerobed and a spare room and bathroom. Should we offer up our bed instead? – CR

A: Great question. If you’re asking them to stay overnight at your house, you should offer them a comfortable place to sleep. However, your own bed is a rather intimate place to offer to an acquaintance. Ask if they prefer a firmer or softer bed, and it might open up the conversation to talk of your own bed or the inflatable bed. They may tell you that the inflatable bed is just fine, in which case your worries are over. Some of the newer inflatable beds are quite nice and high off the ground. If you have any reservations about them using your own bed, be sure they know before they take the job that they’ll be sleeping on an inflatable bed. It all depends on your own level of comfort and hospitality. I’ve stayed in homes where the hosts have offered up their bed without hesitation and wouldn’t hear of putting me anywhere else. Talk with the couple and see what you’re all comfortable with.

Dog Who Challenges Houseguests

I have a long-haired Chihuahua who is very territorial when friends come over. He barks and growls and, if unleashed, will run at them and bark at their heels. We have worked with a trainer about this but have not had success. When people come over, we keep him confined in another room while we are greeting our guests and when wait until everyone has settled down and then let him out– he usually calms down after a few sniffs and then does his own thing.

Some of our friends have taken it personally, insisting that they are dog lovers and never have issues like this with other pets. We try to explain to them that it’s not something they should feel is personalized and that our dog is just very protective and wary of strangers. He is actually very sweet and lovable once you get to know him.I have a friend who confided to me that she feels uncomfortable when she comes to my house because of this issue. She requested that I lock the dog in my bedroom while she is here and I told her that I thought that was unnecessary since he always calms down after the initial shock of visitors, but offered to leash him while she is here until she felt comfortable. I felt as thought that was a reasonable compromise, but she has told me that she will no longer attend gatherings at my house because of this and has even taken it a step further by saying that she is upset with me and feels as though I would choose a dog over our friendship.

My dog is not used to being confined and will consistently bark and scratch at the door until he is let out –which is the only reason I will not confine him. What should I do?

Diamond in the Ruff

 

Dear Diamond,

There are two issues here; your dog’s reaction to strangers in the house, and what it is doing to your relationships. Let’s take them one at a time.

There are two reasons why dogs in stable households challenge strangers: they’re either afraid or they haven’t been given boundaries to let them know which behaviors are unacceptable. I encourage you to find another trainer if the first one has been innefective, with the following caveat. If you don’t follow your trainer’s advice, do your homework, and be consistent with the techniques he/she teaches you, no trainer will be able to help. So find a trainer who can help, then do your part at home.

One thing you can tell visitors to do is a tip from Cesar Millan. When they enter the house, they should ignore the dog. No look, no touch, no talk, as Cesar says. Tell them that you’re retraining your dog and they can help by completely ignoring him until he quiets down. If you have a friend who is comfortable with dogs and willing to help, ask him to come over, ignore the dog until he calms down, then (without looking at him or talking to him), step into the dog’s space. This forces the dog to make way, which dogs in the wild will do for pack leaders. This helps to reinforce to your dog that all people outrank all dogs.

As far as your friend goes, I think she has a point. I once worked on a book project with an author who lived on a horse farm. She had a dog who nipped people’s heels. I’m a dog lover, but this frightened and annoyed me. And I never went back to her home again. Let me tell you what I would do if I were you.

I would get the dog a crate and get some great interactive toys that your dog can play with only when he’s in the crate. You can find some in the Home Alone department at www.FunStuffForDogs.com. When you let your dog out of the crate, pick up the toys and put them out of the dog’s reach. He only gets them when he’s in the crate. Practice this for 10 to 30 minutes every day for a couple of weeks, and your dog will be racing into that crate. Before a guest arrives or a pizza is delivered, put your dog in the crate. When the doorbell rings, put a peanut-butter-filled toy in the crate with your dog, then answer the door. If the bell rings before you can put your dog in the crate, you can say, “Just a minute” through the door while you put your dog in the crate. Practice this every time you order pizza or have anyone come to the house. This will help your dog to associate the doorbell with a VERY yummy treat.

You may be able to let your dog out when other people come to the house (and — with proper training — when your friend comes over). But do practice this crate/toy technique randomly when people come over. Soon, your dog won’t even care who’s at the door.

 

 

So now to problem number two. I think your friend has a point. I once worked on a book project with an author who lived on a horse ranch with a dog who bit people’s heels. I’m a dog person who’s owned large dogs all my life, but this behavior frightened and annoyed me. I never went back. Your friend doesn’t want to hear about how the dog isn’t happy in the other room. She wants to hear that it matters to you that she’s afraid or uncomfortable around your dog.

Other people don’t adore our fur kids like we do. All they see is the behavior the dog has around them. I have a large black dog who’s the sweetest thing in the whole world. She’d never hurt a fly. But I know she intimidates people. So I taught her to sit when pedestrians approach, to not bolt through the door at people when we open it, and to not bark at people. We should ask the dogs to accommodate humans, not the other way around.

Call your friend (don’t email her). Tell her you realize how your dog’s behavior affects her, and that you’re sorry you didn’t see how much it upset her before. Tell her you’re hiring another trainer to help with the problem, but meanwhile, you’ll crate the dog with a toy while she’s at your home. Then invite her over and do it. At the very least, reach out to her and invite her to get together at other locations so the dog is not an issue. Reassure her that you value your friendship. Friends are very important, and friendships must be cultivated.

Outside Dogs Benefit No One

I believe the time has come to put an end to the outside dog.

Once upon a time, ours was a farming culture. We did not have fences, and dogs were working animals. Dog roamed their territory during the day, but stayed around their homes at night to provide an early warning system if any animal or person should approach.

It’s different now. We live on zero lots and in apartment buildings. We can’t let our dogs roam the neighborhood because there are a hundred ways they can cause damage or be hurt. So we keep them at home.

But many people still keep their dogs outside in the back yard. This mindset is a holdover whose time has passed.

People have a variety of reasons for keeping their dogs confined to the back yard. They have allergies. They don’t want dirt and dog hair on the carpet and furniture. They want the dog to provide protection. The dog pees in the house, so they keep it outside.

But let’s take a look at the dog’s needs for a moment. Dogs are pack animals. They need their pack, whether it be humans or other dogs. They’re social animals just like us. Dogs who are made to live in isolation in a yard are miserable. They bark, dig, run away and chew the deck down. Dogs need a social interaction. They need exercise. They need a change of scene, and mental stimulation, which is why walks are so good for them.

Making a dog stay outside is a costly waste, and — in my view — cruel. If you got a dog for protection, then bring the dog inside where it can protect your family and belongings. Dogs kept outside cause far more nuisance complaints from barking and escaping than any deterrent to intrusion. Dogs that annoy the neighbors are vulnerable to teasing, harm, theft and release. Locking a dog in a yard protects an intruder, not you. Most dogs will just run away if a gate is opened. Others are killed through the fence. Dogs who are tied are no threat to anyone who simply keeps out of their reach. They’ll bark, but outdoor dogs bark so much already that everyone ignores them.

Compare that to an indoor dog who barks like crazy or jumps up on the door or window that an intruder is attempting to get through and the effect is much different. A robber can’t hurt your indoor dog until the dog can hurt him. For most thieves, it’s not worth the risk. It’s easier to find a house where the dog is restrained outside or in the back yard, and out of the way. According to Dr. Dennis Fetko, Ph.D., yard dogs usually exhibit aggression, not protection. In this dog’s very small world, everyone who passes by or enters has already violated the territory that dog has marked dozens of times a day for years. That’s not protection, it’s not desirable and it overlooks the social contract. Property owners have an implied social contract with others in the community. Letter carriers, paper boys, delivery people, law enforcement, emergency medical personnel, meter readers and others are allowed near and at times on your property without your permission. Sure, that ten-year-old was not supposed to jump your fence after his ball, kite or Frisbee; but neither you nor your dog are allowed to cause him injury if he does.

If you have allergies to dogs, you need to find another home for the dog, or employ cleaning methods or flooring materials that allow you to live more comfortably with your dog. I’ve known couples who merge households only to discover that one of them is allergic to the other’s dog. But by replacing carpeting with hardwood or tile and replacing fabric sofas with leather, by teaching the dog not to enter certain rooms such as the bedroom, and teaching the dog not to get on the furniture, many of these allergies were reduced.

The truth is, the more you can control a dog’s environment, the more control you have over the dog itself. Indoor problems such as peeing and chewing are easier to solve than outdoor problems. When a dog is alone indoors, you are still an influence because your scent and personal areas are a reminder of you and your training.

If you keep your dog outside because it pees when it comes inside, then you need to learn how to train your dog not to pee and poop inside the house. Millions of homeowners do manage to teach dogs of all ages and breeds to go outside. There are lots of free resources on housebreaking and crate training that will have any dog housebroke in a couple of weeks. Likewise, there are plenty of low-cost ways to keep a dog occupied and busy so she won’t chew your sofa and cabinets to shreds. People who use behavior problems as an excuse for confining a dog in unnatural isolation in the yard are just abdicating their responsibility.

We’ve all heard countless stories about family dogs saving everyone during a fire. How many people would be dead today if those dogs were kept outside?

People who get dogs need companionship, protection and someone to care for. Our dogs need exercise, social interaction and something to do.

Bring your dogs in with the rest of the family, where they belong.

Special thanks to Dennis Fetko, Ph.D. (www.drdog.com)

Street Fouler Loses It — What Now?

Help! I live on a parkway with signs posted on either end to pick up after your dog. Today, while I was out washing my car, a regular offender walked by, letting both dogs leave a trail of doo doo. I am very unconfrontational, but I decided to address the situation. I said (very pleasantly) “Excuse me, but did you know you could be fined for not picking up after your dog?”

She kept walking, I said “Excuse me.” She started marching and I said, “Can you hear me?” Then she said, “I don’t have time for you.” I said “I don’t have time to clean up after your dogs.”

She started running away. I said, “How mature is that?” When she got far away, she started shrieking at the top of her lungs, didn’t understand a word she said but all I can think is, great! The first time I address this and I get a lunatic. Now I am worried she is nuts & may plan some sort of revenge and that I am stuck cleaning up after her dogs from now on. Any advice?

Friendly Reminder – Altadena, CA

Dear Friendly,

She was probably embarrassed when you told her to pick up after her dog and she didn’t handle it well. But believe me, she heard you. I once got a friendly reminder in my mailbox that said, “When we all keep our lawns mowed, it raises property values for everyone.” I was mortified, and for a few days, I wondered which one of my neighbors had left the note. But you knwo what? I kept my lawn mown, weeded, edged and the bushes trimmed after that. And now, it’s me looking at other lawns, thinking that the homeowners shouldn’t let them get so shaggy.

The point is that she may have handled the encounter badly, but she got the message. And since she has such a strong aversion to public reprimands, it’s unlikely that she continues to allow her dogs to foul the public areas (she’ll probably change her route and you won’t even see her again). But if she does, call your police department non-emergency line and ask them what the best way to proceed is. If she has a regular routine, tell them what time of day she normally walks her dog in your area, and describe her and her dog. The police normally have more important things to do than chase pickup law violators, but if it’s a slow day, they may send a car over. Or you could tell her she’s been reported (whether she has or not). That might put some sticking power on your point of view.

As far as retribution goes, I wouldn’t worry. Of course, if she threatens you or follows you or harasses you in any way, it would be a good idea to have a complaint on record with the police department in case she accelerates things.  Meanwhile, don’t feel bad about dealing nicely with things like this that affect the rest of us. We need social sanctions for unacceptable behavior because so some people simply don’t learn good manners at home. This is why clusters of giggling teenagers who race up and down the aisles and talk on their phones in the back movie theaters continue to disturb other patrons during movies. If more people would confront them, they wouldn’t do it. You were right to remind this woman (nicely) to pick up after her dog.

Got a question about dog etiquette? Send it here.

Food Aggression

I have two Chows.  One, whom I recently adopted, is a year old. My other Chow is three. They seem to get along great , until snacks are brought into the picture. The younger one  drops hers and goes for his almost instantly. She also likes to block him from food. This ends up in a brutal display of teeth and hair. They are both free feeders; I keep kibble out  for both of them at all times. Is this just a matter of seperating the food in different rooms, and giving them snacks seperately?

S. Brooks, Worcester MA

Dear S.

Your young female Chow is asserting her dominance over the male. One way in which dogs sort out the pecking order of any pack is by who eats first. The dominant dog always eats first. So, to be dominant in a new pack, your female is taking food from your other dog and keeping him away from the food.

I would definitely not feed them free-choice. This is not the most natural way for dogs to eat. They are predators who — in their natural state – hunt and feed, then don’t eat for a while. So two feedings a day, 12 hours apart, should help both their digestion and the food aggression problem. There are a couple of things you can do to minimize the competition for food.

First, watch how Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer, deals with food aggression. He asserts himself as the alpha dog by claiming the food. He puts down a dish of food, then stands over it, keeping the dogs from getting to it until they accept that they cannot get to it, at which point they usually lie down or sit calmly. Your female might be dominant over the male, but she must not be dominant over you. She must give way when you want to claim the food. This is a good thing to practice at every mealtime and snacktime.

If you have a helper, you can put both dogs on leashes at mealtimes, tell them to sit, put the food on the floor, then make them wait for your command before they eat. Keep them on leash while they eat, and leave them alone as long as everything’s going well. If the female begins to look at the male’s food, give her a firm correction on the leash and a vocal reprimand (one word or sound). Do this at the first sign that she’s thinking about going after the male. After a while, you can remove the leashes and maintain control with your voice.

If you don’t havea helper, you can also feed them in crates to minimize squabbling. But this does not teach the dogs to behave. It’s like putting the cookie jar out of reach of a child rather than teaching the child not to get into it. Your dogs may be boarded together some day, and have to eat side-by-side. So it’s always better to teach them good manners than put up physical barriers. Either way, this behavior should not be tolerated. If you do nothing, it’s the same — in your dog’s eyes — as approving of the behavior.

Dog Guest at Christmas

Every Christmas our family gets together at our house for dinner and to exchange gifts. We have an older cat and our niece has a small dog. She brings the dog to our house every year, fully knowing that it is not welcome. Is it good etiquette that they should leave their dog home since we have a cat plus the dog is just not welcome ?

G., New York

Dear G.,

I assume that the dog presents a problem for the cat (chasing, barking, etc.). I agree that she should not bring the dog if she knows that he’s not welcome. Has anyone actually told her that it just doesn’t work out, or is everyone relying on common sense and hints? Clarity is
a good thing, and even a difficult conversation can be handled with compassion and affection. I had to have a similar conversation with a relative, whose dog marked my house when he came over (although he was perfectly housebroken at home). I asked for her help in solving the problem, we both put on our thinking caps, and we worked it out with a minimum of hurt feelings.   It could be too late to do anything about it this year since the boarding kennels are already booked (although she might be able to get a pet sitter to come to the house). Does she travel from out of town? If not, perhaps the dog would be okay at home alone for 5 hours or so. If the dog can be left home alone while she’s a work, it should be no problem to leave him home for a similar length of time for
Christmas.   If that’s not a solution, perhaps confining the dog during
Christmas dinner and gift exchange with a baby gate, or putting him in another room, would be a temporary solution. You might also consider putting the cat in another room. You may think it’s not fair to confine the cat, who lives there. But actually, cats often prefer a quiet, private room when there’s more activity and people in the house than normal.  

In the end, I think if my uncle told me that the cat doesn’t handle my dog’s visits very well and then set up an area outside or in the garage for him to be when he visited, I’d end up making other arrangements without drama or resentment. Here’s a question to consider: If you didn’t have the cat (and someday you won’t), would the dog be welcome? Is part of the reason you wish she wouldn’t bring him because he’s noisy or destructive or distracting?  That’s perfectly legitimate and if it’s the case, you might want to just bring it up now and save yourself some awkwardness in the future if the issue comes up again.

Got a question about dog etiquette? Send it here.

Groomer is hit and miss

I take our two dogs to a groomer who used to be very good. But now his business has grown, he’s hired some inexperienced help, and the dogs aren’t coming home as nice as they used to. They’ve had scabs on their bellies from the clippers, and the male had a nail cut too short and was limping for a day. This never happened when our regular groomer took care of them.  I’m ready to find another groomer over this, but what I really want is to have the dogs done the way he used to do them.  I just don’t know if I could tell him that. Should I? Or should I just find someone else? - V.

Dear V.,

It’s important to trust the people who work on your dogs. Not only do you have a right to mention the drop in quality to your groomer, but he very well may appreciate the feedback because it concerns the future of his business. Experienced groomers are expensive, so many shops hire inexperienced groomers as their demand grows. However, business soon begins to fall off as dissatisfied customers take their business elsewhere. The shop owner may never know that it’s because of the groomers he hired. Actually, if you like this groomer, you’d be doing him a favor by letting him know. He may be wondering.

Now, back to your dogs. You have several choices. The very best way to handle a complaint is to mention it when you pick up the dogs. Examine the dogs thoroughly at the groomer’s shop, and point out any unsatisfactory grooming or injuries that you find. As with most etiquette issues, sooner is better than later, and face-to-face is best. 

You could request that the shop owner be the only one to work on your dogs. If he still grooms, he should be accommdating.  If not, ask friends for referrals. The dog park is a great way to get referrals. Call a breed club to find out who their members like. Even if your dog is a mix, finding a groomer who does similar breeds could be your solution.

Be aware that finding another groomer may mean that you’ll pay more. Good groomers can and should charge more for the superior service they provide. This is probably why salon owners often go the cheaper route. But in my experience, dog owners don’t balk at price tags as much as they balk at badly done grooming jobs. Once you find a good groomer, expect annual increases to keep up with inflation. The price of everything goes up; rent, shampoos, insurance, equipment, utilities, etc. I know some dog owners who left a groomer because she raised her prices, and now they’re bouncing from groomer to groomer trying to find someone as good, too embarrassed to go back.

The main thing is, if you like this groomer and how he used to groom your dogs, you’d be doing both of you a favor by pointing out what’s driving a faithful customer away. And of course, do this face to face. It’s always better to have an difficult discussion with someone in a two-way format. Taking to him by phone would be a distant second choice, but do not tell him by email or leave a message with someone else.  We often tell ourselves that we “can’t face” someone with an awkward conversation, but to do otherwise is cowardly and less effective, so put on your big girl panties and face him. You’ll be glad you did.

Got a question about dog etiquette? Send it here.

Smelly Yard

What do I do about the smell of my neighbor’s seven dogs’ feces? It is getting so bad. We live in town and we don’t even want to be in our back yard.  I have a child daycare and we have to go outside every day.  I have spoken with my neighbor but she does nothing about it. – S.

Dear S.,

This isn’t just a nuisance, it’s a health issue. I would urge you to have another talk with your neighbor. Mention the new yard pickup services that are springing up all over. For about $15 per week, they’ll come and pick up all the yard waste. Or a neighborhood kid might do it for even less. There’s also the Doggie Dooley, a small septic tank for dog waste that your neighbor can install in her yard.

During this talk, you might tactfully mention that the smell impacts several neighbors, your home values, your health and the health of her own dogs. Try to keep the talk reassuring and friendly, because if you lock horns with her, her attitude may change from indifferent to stubbornly refusing. Say something like, ”I’m sure we can work something out without having to involved the board of health,” or “There’s going to come a point where one of our neighbors involves the city, but I think we can clear this up without involving them.”

Unfortunately, someone who never picks up the yard in spite of the smell is probably not going to invest in a service or product that will help the problem. It sounds to me like she doesn’t think there is a problem, and so won’t be inclined to do anything to fix it. In that case, you’ve given her fair warning, so it’s time to ask for help from others.

First, find out if your Home Owners’ Association has any bylaws concerning odor, cleanliness of yards, or the number of pets permitted to live in a house (the maximum in my county is four dogs, or six pets total). You might want to be sure there are no restrictions concerning in-home child care; I’d hate for you to get cited when you’re trying to solve a problem from next door. The odor emanating from her yard brings down the home values and makes it hard to sell a house on your block, so maybe a petition of neighbors would have some persuasive power, too.

If you don’t have an HOA, check with the city. There may be ordinances and health codes that would require your neighbor to keep the yard clean and in sanitary condition. You might also contact the animal health authorities, since her own seven dogs live in unsanitary conditions that might warrant a seizure of the animals from the home.

If the problem does not get solved by the HOA, city or county, you may have to consider that this is something you’ll have to live with, or move.

Got a question about dog etiquette? Send it here.

Doesn’t Want Mother-in-Law to Dog-Sit

I have a wonderful relationship with my husband’s parents. My mother-in-law offered to dog-sit for us when we went on a last-minute, 10-day Christmas trip becaused the kennels and dog sitters were all booked. We delivered the dogs to her house with their food, toys, snacks and bed. We checked in by phone twice while we were gone and she mentioned she was feeding them the same food her own dog eats, and giving them table scraps, and “spoiling my granddogs.”

When we picked up the dogs, they had red, irritated areas on their skin, they had gained weight noticeably (in 10 days), and they had picked up two bad habits: begging and snatching at our food, which they had never done before. They refused to eat their own food for two days after we got home (a premium food that we think is superior to the grocery-store brand my mother-in-law feeds).

We got them back to health and didn’t say much about it to my mother-in-law, because she was so nice to take our two dogs for that long on short notice. Now we’re planning another vacation in October and she’s offering to dog-sit again. I’ve told her we’ll just board them at the kennel, but she insists that’s a waste of money and keeps urging us to leave them with her.

How can I make it clear to her that we’d rather not without hurting her feelings for her past generosity?
G.L., Garland, TX

Dear G.L.,
Your mother-in-law was generous in offering to take care of your dogs before, and now, and you’re right to be considerate of her feelings and grateful for her help in the past.

The most direct way to handle this is to have a sit-down with your mother-in-law (with your husband present to show his support). Tell her that you’re very thankful that she was able to help you out before, and that you could not have gone on your Christmas trip if it had not been for her. 

I assume you retrained your dogs to mind their manners since they returned home, so don’t mention the bad habits they picked up. Instead, focus on the dietary requirements of your dogs. Separation, a new routine and a new home (even a temporary one) can lead to digestive distress, so the problem may not have been entirely your mother-in-law’s fault. However, the weight gain probably was. If you’re boarding your dog at the vet, tell her you’d feel better if a veterinarian kept an eye on their digestive distress while you’re gone.

However, there’s another way to approach it. Why not give your dogs a vacation, too? Make reservations at a dog spa/day care center. While you’re gone, the dogs will be able to interact daily with other dogs during group playtime. Some of the fancier pet hotels include petting time, reading time, snack time and other extras designed to make dogs feel good and have fun. At the end of the week, the pups can have a day of pampering with a bath, brushout, nail and teeth treatment and a trim, and go home to you refreshed and renewed.

If you go this route, tell your mother-in-law that you’d like to take the opportunity to give your dogs a vacation with playtime in which they can work on social skills, supervised by professionals, plus a spa day for each. You might also mention to her that that there are a lot of couples out there whose in-laws don’t have the slightest interest in their dogs, don’t welcome the dogs into their homes, want the dogs locked in another room when they come over, and basically don’t want to have anything to do with them. Let her know that you recognize that you’re lucky to have a mother-in-law who’s dying to have the “granddogs” over to spoil them. Then make a date to meet her and her dog at the local dog park or dog beach for a playdate.
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