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Every Christmas our family gets together at our house for dinner and to exchange gifts. We have an older cat and our niece has a small dog. She brings the dog to our house every year, fully knowing that it is not welcome. Is it good etiquette that they should leave their dog home since we have a cat plus the dog is just not welcome ?

G., New York

Dear G.,

I assume that the dog presents a problem for the cat (chasing, barking, etc.). I agree that she should not bring the dog if she knows that he’s not welcome. Has anyone actually told her that it just doesn’t work out, or is everyone relying on common sense and hints? Clarity is
a good thing, and even a difficult conversation can be handled with compassion and affection. I had to have a similar conversation with a relative, whose dog marked my house when he came over (although he was perfectly housebroken at home). I asked for her help in solving the problem, we both put on our thinking caps, and we worked it out with a minimum of hurt feelings.   It could be too late to do anything about it this year since the boarding kennels are already booked (although she might be able to get a pet sitter to come to the house). Does she travel from out of town? If not, perhaps the dog would be okay at home alone for 5 hours or so. If the dog can be left home alone while she’s a work, it should be no problem to leave him home for a similar length of time for
Christmas.   If that’s not a solution, perhaps confining the dog during
Christmas dinner and gift exchange with a baby gate, or putting him in another room, would be a temporary solution. You might also consider putting the cat in another room. You may think it’s not fair to confine the cat, who lives there. But actually, cats often prefer a quiet, private room when there’s more activity and people in the house than normal.  

In the end, I think if my uncle told me that the cat doesn’t handle my dog’s visits very well and then set up an area outside or in the garage for him to be when he visited, I’d end up making other arrangements without drama or resentment. Here’s a question to consider: If you didn’t have the cat (and someday you won’t), would the dog be welcome? Is part of the reason you wish she wouldn’t bring him because he’s noisy or destructive or distracting?  That’s perfectly legitimate and if it’s the case, you might want to just bring it up now and save yourself some awkwardness in the future if the issue comes up again.

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